Overwhelming

Wow. So many things I wanted to do with this blog that I ended up doing none of them. These things really are work, aren't they?

I've been having a lot of trouble accomplishing a lot of different things in my life lately.

I've had trouble getting work done at work, because the work hasn't been that important, hasn't been time or deadline dependend, and the work I've had to do has been something I strongly dislike: marketing and business development. Although last night I went to a professional meeting and met some people, and it really wasn't that bad, once I got some liqour in me, anyway.

I've had trouble getting anything done in my life, actually, because the world has been conspiring against me.

Okay, maybe not. But sometimes it feels like all the shit hits you at once. I am of course speaking of philosophical shit, and not any actual real-world responsibilities. But it's hard to keep your mind focused when you do all of the following in a short period of time:

-Saw Stacey, felt good, but by the next day felt like utter shit,
-Talked to her the next day about how hard it is when you're still in love, which I embarassingly had to admit to her, because I can't lie, and she was being obtuse while I talked around it.
-Got pity-sympathy for not having moved on.
-Got a chatty/i'm bored/lonely because our mutual friend has moved away email less than a week after her saying she'd leave it in my court and I should contact her when I felt ready to.
-Had a present from her mom left on my doorstep, which was thoughtful and really well-intentioned, but ended up being another painful reminder...
-Actually got flirty with an old love interest, and chatted with an internet personals person (my first time) - only to feel like I was cheating on my now non-existent gf.
-Had some "current events" bring back a lot of painful memories of a heartbreaking job experience, you know, that one I have often referred to as "killing the last of my childhood innocence". One that has disturbingly similar parallels to my love situation.
-Heard further disturbing details of an old friend's marriage cracking up due to - that' right - a shitty self-absorbed partner who cheated.
-Found myself thinking, over and over, how I could have kept her if I'd just tried a little harder.

I can't keep doing this. I don't even want to think about how many times in the last few days I have either found myself crying almost out of the blue, or had to choke the crying down because I had things that were too important that I had to deal with, and couldn't afford to be crying right now.

Thank god I'm alone in the office right now. At least when you're alone there is noone to "keep it together" for. Hell, reading about Bush's daily assaults on reason, reality and the whole world made me feel sad and impotent instead of angry.

I'm so fucking sick of being tired and sad and lonely and rudderless. Where is the bottom? Have I really hit it yet? I thought I was there a long time ago, and had moved on. Maybe there are a lot of bottoms to hit.

Why does she get to move on and be happy? Why does she get to be better off without me?

Why do I have to feel so humiliated and pathetic... to have to admit to myself not just that I still love her, but that I still love her today every bit as much as I did 10 months ago when she moved out, every bit as much as I did almost two years ago when I told her I wanted to get married, every bit as much as I did when she went off the deep end, every bit as much as I did when I first fell in love with her. Despite her flaws. Despite her insanity.

When I talked to her the last time, I told her I missed her. She told me she missed me, too. The difference is, I think, that she misses her friend. Okay, fine, she misses her best friend. I miss my best friend, lover, soulmate, and love of my life.

When is it my turn?

When?